Pass the Cheese, Please

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS DANGEROUSLY HIGH CHEESE LEVELS. IT SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE SUFFERING FROM SCHMALTZ ALLERGIES, OR ANYONE WHO ALREADY HAS A HIGH BLOOD/CORN CONTENT.



When Tash was pregnant with Iola, I read everything. I read new-age books on natural pregnancy--most of which were quite irritating, although they did tend to have amusing illustrations (every man with afros and big beards, every woman with long, straight, centre-parted hair and the idyllic facial expression of a lotus-chewing brood cow). I read textbooks on gynaecology and obstetrics, which were often very disturbing because (for obvious reasons) their focus was on all the dire and dreadful things that could go wrong during pregnancy and labour. I read Kaz Cooke and Sheila Kitzinger cover to cover. I read books on how to be the perfect dad. I studied massage techniques for labour and learned a range of origami-like nappy folds. I knew about cradle cap and proper breastfeeding style. I spent hours reading through every additional info link on birth.com.au. I knew perhaps a little too much about normal changes to the colour and consistency of a baby’s excreta over the first two weeks of life. I was au fait with SIDS risk factors, and I could discourse knowledgably on the relative merits of Bugaboo versus Phil & Teds prams (not that I could afford either of them). I knew about lotus births and induction techniques, caesarian procedures and contraction timings, labour stages and apgar scores.

Basicallly I was a little smarty-pants know-it-all who thought he had this whole baby thing pretty much covered. If you had to take tests on this stuff, I would have nailed them.
But you know what? When you’re actually holding your baby, when you can feel her skin on your skin and her little heart beating, when those little blue eyes look up into yours, all of that goes away. You don’t give a shit about apgar scores and physiological development. All that matters is that this is your baby, and you love her and want to cuddle her and protect her and try your damnedest to give her a good life. The first time you kiss your little girl and she smiles at you, you’re hers for life.